The Motorcycle Diaries

2006-04-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

Violence Rules.

People are always bitching about violence on TV. I recently had the misfortune of watching TV (bad idea), and now I see why they're bitching: there's not enough violence on TV! Man, everything on TV sucks. It's hard to explain how bad it is. To help you get the idea, imagine a fat, blistered, zit covered ass. Now keep that image in your head for 6 hours. That's what it's like to watch TV.

Okay, that was bad, I apologize. Anyway, we need more violence on TV, because what's on now is weak. Nobody wants to watch 'Friends,' with some asshole that calls himself "Chandler" or whatever the hell his name is. That's bullshit. I say we have a show where it's just a guy that runs over people.

What's that? You say that's a lame idea? Oh.. well I say "go to hell."

So anyway, back to my car idea. This guy runs over people because he feels like he should give back to the community by cutting down its population.

If we had a few shows like Rambo on TV all the time, things would be a lot better. All those dipshits bitching about violence having an adverse affect on youth need to pull their heads out of their ass. Violence builds character, everyone needs violence every once in a while to keep them in check. We don't want to raise a nation of wimps. I'm too tired to continue this bullshit.

2006-04-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

What EMOs are good for:

Parking your car on them.

Sending them to war so they get killed instead of real people.

Medical testing (they're stupid like animals; just knock them out and give them a shot.. they won't know what happened. they're desperate to die anyways.)

Using them for ammo. We should pack them into missiles and launch them over towards Iraq. The smell is potent enough to make any enemy surrender.

Target practice.

Hamburgers (They want to be in touch with their souls and mands, so what better way than to be digested and used as fertilizer? Eno burgers anyone?)

Emos make great janitors (after all, they have the smell down).

Decorations. Add color to your yard with a few emos impaled on your fence (Dracula style).

Emos make great scapegoats. Bad day at work? Famine? Plague? Cancer? Blame it on emos.

Emos are always good for kicking.

Emos are fun to tease (good for laughs when you're bored)

Raw sewage storage (Emos will eat anything. They really don't care. Since they hate themselves.).

Emos are flamable and make for great campfire fuel.

Emos will do free work to clean up the world (those suckers love sacrificing.).

Emos are great for mixing with cement and throwing off bridges.

Emos are perfect for running over (always sleeping on park benches and sidewalks).

2006-04-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

Zombies are the worst.

I was thinking about zombies the other day, and about how much I hate them. They're always walking slow, moaning, and eating me. Well, at least they try to eat me (I don't let them). The problem with them is that they just don't know when to quit. You can shoot a hole through their chest, and blow their legs off, but they still keep coming at you. The best thing to do is to run screaming. But they'll follow you. So don't run screaming unless you're leading them into a trap.
Burning zombies isn't a good idea, as they won't die very easily and the smell is pretty bad. I suggest you dig a huge pit (I call mine the Zombie pit of hell) and lead them into a room with one entrance and one exit. After the zombies go into the room, lock the door behind them and start compacting the walls so they have no choice but to fall into the pit.

Once the zombies are in there, it's safe to go into the room to tease the zombies (they hate it when you pour batery acid on them). After you get bored teasing them, tell them that you'll let them out in half an hour. Turn off the lights and forget about them. If your friends come over, tell them that there's a surprise in the room for them. As soon as they go in, turn on the lights and start the compactor walls. Laugh. Then, stop the walls just before they fall in and say "just kidding". Then turn the walls back on for a few seconds just in case they think you really were kidding. Everyone will get a good laugh.

2006-04-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

The Asshole Test

Having problems with people at work or school? Do you chuckle to yourself when you see someone fall over, or do you laugh out loud? Are you just not a "people's-person"? If so, you stand a good chance of being an asshole. Take the following test and add up your points to see if you too are an asshole.

Give yourself...

5 points each time you laughed during the movie "Saving Private Ryan."
10 points if you've ever called someone with anorexia "fat." (Bonus 10 points if someone you called "fat" became anorexic).
5 points if you've ever tricked a little kid into giving you money.
10 points if you've ever considered running over a group of people (Bonus 10 points if there were old people in the crowd).
20 points if someone suicidal came to you for help.. and you encouraged them (Bonus 10 points if they mentioned you in their suicide note).
10 points if you've ever lied about a death in the family to get out of helping someone move.
10 points if you've ever teased someone enough so that they developed a complex.
25 points if you're affiliated in any way with Green Peace, The Arbor Day Foundation, United Way, or Amnesty International.
5 points for every time you've cut in line in front of an old lady (Bonus five points if you laughed or made threats).
10 points if you've ever keyed someone's car for having a better parking spot than you (Bonus 20 points if they were still in the car).
5 points if you've ever parked in a handicapped parking spot (Bonus 5 points if you weren't handicapped).

(This next two are for parents only):

20 points if you ever told your kid that you wish they were aborted.
10 points if you told your kid that they were a mistake (Bonus 5 points if they really were).
5 points if you have an "I hate whales" bumper sticker.. just out of spite.
10 points for every time you "flipped off" an animal rights activist.
10 points if you've seen the movie "Titanic."
30 points if you can give your friends "the look," and they know better than to keep talking.
10 points if you've gone to work or school with a contagious disease (Bonus 5 points if you knew it was contagious).
20 points if you are, or have ever been a CEO.
10 points if you voted for GMA.
10 points if you voted for FPJ.
20 points if you've ever made a mean looking face to a baby (Bonus 10 points if you made it cry).
10 points if you've ever sped up while someone was crossing the road.
20 points if you went fishing, didn't catch any fish, and threw all your bait into the water so nobody else could catch any fish (Bonus 10 points if you got banned).
10 points if you're a cop.
10 points if you've ever faked an injury so someone would open a door for you.
5 points if you've ever considered making a bomb threat to get out of work (Bonus 20 points if you actually made the bomb threat. Give yourself an extra bonus of 10 points if you used a telephone from your work to make the bomb threat).
20 points if you've ever tried selling your brother.

Once you add up your points, use the following chart to find out how much of an asshole you are:

0-50: You make me SICK. You probably love singing, dancing and children. You're a parasite to society, and I hope you die.
55-100: You're a novice asshole. Practice hating people more. No wait, just forget it. You'll probably fail again. I hate you.
105-200: You have potential for being a great asshole, but you're probably too socially active. Ditch your friends and spend all your spare time hating Tony Danza.
205-350: You're an asshole, no other way around it. You think making fun of old people and children is fun, and you wear fur just to piss off animal rights activists. You make me proud.
355-450: Dave Chapelle, this one's for you. In case you ever came to my site, I just wanted to let you know that I hate your show, it's stupid and all your fans are dipshits.
455-500+: You're not just an asshole, but you're full of shit too. There's no way to get every possible point. Way to cheat, dumbass.

2006-04-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

How to kill yourself like a man.

I was applying for a job to become a suicide prevention counselor the other day, when the guy interviewing me started bitching about how boring his job had become. The only people he ever hears from anymore are 14 year old girls who try to overdose on Tylenol. YAWN. How about killing yourself with some style? How about killing yourself like a man? Here are some manly ways to shove off this mortal coil, along with ratings for each category from 1 to 10:

Eat a tub full of beans:
Manliness: 8
Style: 4
Awesomeness: 8
Mess: 5

What you need: a tub, enough beans to fill said tub.

How to do it: just dig in, you chunky son of a bitch! Keep eating until you can't possibly eat anymore, then eat some more. Your gut will rupture and you will shit yourself. The cool thing about this method is that it's not only disgusting to clean up, but you'll probably be so bloated from the beans (choose Van Camp's by the way, not Bush's baked beans unless you like the taste of beans pickled in ball sweat) that you probably won't fit in the casket without some serious reconstructive surgery. Guess who's footing the bill for that one? That's right: friends and family. Just kidding. You have no friends.

Strangle yourself:
Manliness: 9
Style: 4
Awesomeness: 4
Mess: 0

What you need: hands.

How to do it: strangling yourself with your own hands has long been thought impossible because when your body stops getting enough oxygen, you pass out and start breathing normally again. Passing out while you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing. You're the one who has to deal with the embarrassment of having the paramedics finding your dumb ass passed out on the floor in a puddle of your own drool, as they begrudgingly take you to the hospital where the doctors would be so disappointed that one of them might try to strangle you themselves. And if they don't, give me a call; I will. Even the late Vincent Price strangled himself to death. Either that or lung cancer, but I can't be bothered to look it up. Eat shit.

Hold your breath:
Manliness: 9
Style: 3
Awesomeness: 8
Mess: 0
What you need: balls.

How to do it: this is similar to strangling yourself, but the difficulty level is hard. Harder than a priest at a playground.

Step 1: Hold your breath.

Step 2: Wait 10 minutes, then go to step 3.

Step 3: If you are reading this, you have failed.

Razor blade:
Manliness: 5
Style: 2
Awesomeness: 8
Mess: 7
What you need: razor, neck.
How to do it: how many times have you tried to kill yourself with a razor blade by slashing up your wrists, only to be told "it's down the highway, not across the street"? Then you listen to this advice and cut up your arms like some amateur dipshit who doesn't know what she's doing. Your boyfriend dumped you. You can't go on because you're the only person who has ever been dumped and this is the most painful thing that has happened to anyone who has lived 14 consecutive years, so it's time for the solace only decapitation can bring you. Make sure to go all the way through the spinal column.

Cadbury surprise:

Manliness: 9
Style: 8
Awesomeness: 12
Mess: 8
What you need: ice cream scooper, cadbury eggs.
How to do it: spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper, and replace them with cadbury easter eggs. Then using any of the methods above, kill yourself. Your family may hate the suicide, but everyone loves cadbury cream eggs! Why disappoint your loved ones with plain old boring eyes, when you can surprise them with chocolate instead?! Try to do it around easter. The kids will have hours of fun trying to find the last two treats.

Headbutt the sidewalk:
Manliness: 10
Style: 3
Awesomeness: 10
Mess: 4
What you need: a sidewalk.
How to do it:
Step 1: Slam your head into the sidewalk.

Step 2: Repeat.

Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule.

Lick a hooker's ass:
Manliness: 0
Style: 1
Awesomeness: 1
Mess: 10
What you need: a hooker, P100.
How to do it: find a hooker and inquire about her "ass buffet." If she doesn't know what you're talking about, punch her. If she does know what you're talking about, she shouldn't charge you more than a hundred pesos to lick her ass. You may even get away with not having to pay her since technically it's not sex (unless you're gay, but I'm not sure if it counts if it's a woman). Fair warning: not paying a hooker is considered shoplifting. Once you've done the (mis)deed, you may want to have some alcohol nearby. Make sure it's something strong like turpentine, because you'll be tasting a mouth full of funk and hookers don't always shit properly depending on their clientele. The tingling feeling in your mouth means the disease is working. Just sit back and relax while your penis falls off and you break out in hives. Then just wait a few months and if the other diseases don't get to you first, the AIDS will. Talk about a cheap suicide! At 100 pesos, you can't afford not to kill yourself!

That's it for now. Just remember: it's your suicide, have fun with it.

2006-04-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

What Im going to do if I'd be elected as the President of the Philippines.

1. Abortion

I'm tired of political candidates pussy-footing delicately around the issue of abortion. Every time I turn on the TV, there's always some group of hippies protesting "for choice" or "for life." Each group pisses the other off, and no candidate will take a strong enough stance on the issue of abortion, so I've decided to form a political party of my own.

I have a different stance on abortion: I'm against abortion, but for killing babies. That way everyone loses, and I win. I'm neither pro choice, nor pro life; I'm pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I'd be "pro choice" is if it meant I could choose which babies I could abort, and only then if I could lift the age restriction to 80. I was at this mall the other day watching some shitty documentary when I came out of the theater and saw old people dancing to country music in the courtyard. I couldn't remember the last time I saw a group of people begging this hard to be aborted.

2.No protests.

Under my government, there will be no assembly, peaceful or otherwise: Why does everyone always sing the praises of civil disobedience? What good did it do for Gandhi? He's dead. What the hell is civil disobedience anyway? You can add the word "civil" to any crime (and yes, protesting is a crime, or will be if I'm elected in office), and suddenly it has a positive connotation? What next, civil first degree felony with aggravated assault? What's worse is that these black-foots stink up the streets with their VW bugs and harass the officers just trying to crack some skull. Which leads me to my next point:

3.No more police.

Police officers will be replaced with a strike force with the ability to tap into your phone conversations, spy on your Internet connection, arrest you for no reason or any reason at all, and interrogate you behind closed doors during secret hearings. It'll be awesome, and if anyone complains, they will be labeled unpatriotic. The beauty of it is that people won't protest because protesters will be victims of police brutality. The reason I say victims is because the punishment for the crime of brutalizing police would be murder. It's the criminals who need to be brutalized, not the police.

4.Vampire hunting will be a government sanctioned profession.

Seriously. I can't stand vampires and people who claim to be them. If there are real vampires, then there should be real vampire hunters. I don't have a beef with Mr. Tepes because I think we can all agree that impaling 20,000 people on stakes as a negotiating tactic is sufficiently awesome. What I have a problem with are these 14 year old losers who hang out at raves wearing prosthetic fangs, listening to obnoxious happy-hardcore dancing with giant platform shoes (courtesy of "Hot Topic," because all vampires shop at trendy clothing stores for their pre-packaged sub-culture needs). When they're not busy doing the dishes for their allowance, they're out doing evil things like smoking, staying up past curfew, or reading books on the occult at Barnes & Noble. They join little "sanguinarian" clubs and they change their names to something adequately evil like Raven, Ivy or Memnoch.
These are the same people who say they laugh during dramas when someone gets killed. We all know a person like this, they think they're morbid and mysterious because they force out a contrived chuckle during a death scene. Oooh, you laughed during a murder, you're so unique and evil. The fact that the number of members in these stupid clubs surge every time a new "Blade" movie comes out eludes them. Who has time for things like facts and responsibility when you're busy "feeding" yourself by having orgies that give you magical powers? Idiots.

5.Ska is banned.

Nobody listens to ska.

That's pretty much it. Oh yeah, I was going to write about how I was going to take away women's right to vote, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote, except for women, and they don't count.

2006-04-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

Lies Girls Have Told Me:

"I didn't do anything over the weekend.."
Lie. This translates into "I got drunk and had lots of sex that I regret having now that I'm sober, but I'd rather not sound like a slut, so I'll give you the false impression that I live a modest life sitting at home and reading over my weekends, so you'll have to find out what I really did from people talking behind my back." This is probably closer to the truth than most people think. And don't mail me some politically correct rant saying "well not every girl is like that blah blah blah..." I know that not every girl is like that. Nobody cares.

"I've only kissed one guy..."
Lie. No girl has only kissed one guy. Any girl that says she has kissed only one guy is either too young to have kissed more, or a damned liar.

"I think you're cute!"
Lie. No girl thinks I'm cute. I'm repulsive. I'm handsome. Damn handsome.

"Looks don't matter to me.."
Lie. Looks don't matter, MY ASS. Looks matter. Any girl that says "looks don't matter" is in denial. Proof? The good looking jerks that treat women like shit always get the women.

"I want to find a guy that's sensitive.."
Lie. This one's a whopper. Girls don't want sensitive guys, nay, when it comes down to it all they really want is sex. Most of them are no better than the assholes they sleep with. Sure.. they want sensitivity.. ass slapping, hair pulling sensitivity. What girl in their right mind would willingly sleep with a total jerk? Are all these girls being raped? Or are they really just horny? They want sensitivity.. or at least, that's what they'll have you believing, with their warm smiles and good looks. Just once, I'd like to meet a good looking girl that's not in denial, and that won't put on an integrity show, and that will just come out and admit that she's been pounded more times than any nail in the floor she stands on, like the whore that she is. At least then I'd respect her for being honest. It's so transparent to me what's going on. They fritter their lives away having sex every day of the week, and then go to church on sunday and think they're clean again. They're only fooling themselves. It's probably the only way they can live with their conscience (or lack thereof).

"I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I'm not going to date for a while"
Lie. I hear this one a lot. They say it to sound like they're not whores going from one guy immediately to the next, but come the first good looking jerk with slick hair and a nice car, and she'll be in bed with him faster than she can contract his STDs.

"I like to have fun.."
Lie. Some girls I've talked to have been so shallow, that when asked what they like to do, she'll simply say "I like to have fun.." No shit? I thought you liked being bored like the rest of us. What the hell kind of answer is "I like to have fun.." Who doesn't like to have fun? Upon further probing for what they like to do, they'll say "well.. uhhh.. I like to swim, and go hiking, and uhh.. I like to just hang out with friends.. uhhh.. I like to see movies.. uhhh..." Okay, she likes to see movies. Potential for a conversation. So, I'll ask them what movies they like, and with out fail, they always say "oh.. uhh... I like all movies.." No, dipshit, you don't like all movies. Nobody does. What movies do you like? "uhh.. I like romantic movies mostly.." (I don't really say dipshit.. I'm usually very mannered around women.. not that it matters, since they only want a rich guy to screw). My fault on that one, I should have known. Upon further interrogating (at least it seems like interrogation, since they have nothing to say about anything that matters outside of their microcosm of existence), they tell me that they like music, "all kinds" of music, of course. This is all torture to me. Why the hell should I waste my time with someone so damn boring?

"I like guys with a sense of humor.."
Lie. I consider myself to have a sense of humor. Anyone that comes to my blog and leaves without being offended has to have a sense of humor (or a really low attention span). Most of the girls that say this usually mean to say "I'm a giddy little girl that laughs at everything regardless of how everything I laugh at is painfully not funny." The elusive "guys with a sense of humor" they talk about are jerks that treat them like shit so often, that they have no choice but to think that it's funny so they can live with themselves for dating them. Pathetic.

2006-04-23T05:01:00.000-07:00

Stupid fucking fan mail, yes. i do receive fanmails. dont be envious.

Stupid Fan Mail:

For years I've read stupid fan mail and rather than lash out at them, I've always turned the other cheek. People keep asking me for help with their homework, stupid questions about what kind of music I listen to (like it matters), and send me more misspellings and grammar mistakes than even the worst of my hate mail. So I've decided to post some of the fan mail that I hate most.

Here are the ground rules:

No email addresses will be published in this section.
All fan mail is unedited and presented in its entirety, unless noted otherwise.

Fan Mail:
Date: Sat, 04 Mar 2006 03:12:01 -0400

From: ##############

To: enter_tres@yahoo.com

Subject: pop-ups
hey,i,was,lookin,at,ur,site,tha,otha,day,n,i,was,

thinkin,that,you,shuld,rite,sum,shit,

about,how,gay,popups.r.cuz,those,things,

really,are,mad,fuckin,gay....

and,if,ur,wonderin,y,i,aint,usin,my,spacebar,its,cuz,

I,broke.it.,wen,i,slammed,tha,keyboard,

cuz,my,computer,

broke,frum,millions,of,popups,and,you,

site,definatly,is,tha,best,site,in,tha,universe

There are pigs that can manipulate joysticks, yet you morons can't even send me an intelligible email. I can't read this, and I'm not going to try. If you can't spell or use proper punctuation and grammar, don't email me. In fact, here are some helpful guidelines so you can know when NOT to email me:

If your keyboard doesn't work, don't send me email.
If you're going to be cute and use the word "tha" instead of "the," don't send me email, it will only piss me off.
If you're an idiot and don't know what an "argument" is, don't email me (this means you, Ms. "I don't know the difference between a proposition and a quarrel," you dumb bitch).
If you tend to use the acronym "LOL" a lot, don't bother trying to remember not to use it in the email, it's just easier for you to not email me. Whatever it is that you have to say probably isn't important because you're an idiot.
If your email starts out with the phrase "I'm emailing you because I'm bored," save my DELETE key some wear by not sending me email.
If your age consists of a single digit, DON'T SEND ME EMAIL, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
If you want to show me what a righteous and forgiving person you are by cursing me to hell don't bother, I've heard it all.
If you found your kids looking at my page and you don't want them to read it anymore, learn to discipline your children and spare me your incessant bitching.
If your email ends with "I guess I went off on a tangent," you're a dipshit, quit wasting my time.
Don't beg me to post your email, if your writing was that great to begin with, you'd probably have something better to do than to beg strangers on the internet to publish your witty retorts.
I know you think you're the first person to discover the fat Star Wars kid video, and although everyone enjoys the timeless humor of a kid twirling a pole, assume that everyone has already seen it and DON'T SEND IT TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE. To be on the safe side, format your hard drive and cancel your internet account.
If you find yourself using a thesaurus more than twice per email, you're an idiot. Stick to what you know: drinking $6 frappuccinos and reading the latest Anne Rice novel while you write entries for your stupid blog that nobody reads.
"Dope" is not an adjective.
Don't assume I know which article you're talking about. I've written over 400 articles to date, you sound like a jackass when you send me stupid shit like "I totally agree, they should be launched into the sun!" Who: Goths? Old People? Children? Be more specific.

That about covers it for now. If you're going to send me an email and you're not sure whether or not it's stupid, play it safe and presume it is. Together we can make my inbox idiot-free.

2006-04-22T02:43:00.000-07:00

Laziness is the key to success. Here are the rules of being lazy:

1. Never do anything. If you wait around long enough, someone else will do it.
2. Don't move. Moving is overrated.
3. Never run. Running is the worst thing you can do. I had to run once.. big mistake.
4. If something is not in your reach, you don't need it. Before you get up to get something across the room next time, think. Do you really want to get up and walk all the way there and all the way back to get it? Yeah, I know. I felt stupid for moving all those times.
5. Don't have an opinion. Opinions are thoughts, and thoughts are work.
6. Don't work. Working is for suckers. Be a CEO if you can, they never do anything.
7. If you have to move, fuss about it. Make it well known that you're pissed off because you have to move. Sigh a lot. Drag your feet and arch your back at 60 degrees (bad posture helps you to conform to the shapes of couches when you sit down, and it makes you look tired).
8. Sleep as much as you can. Contrary to common sense and popular belief, sleeping is very productive.
9. Don't talk. Talking requires the movement of your jaw.. way too much work.
10. If you have to work, do a half-assed job at it. Example: If you have to rake leaves, push them out into the road or into your neighbor's yard. If you have a riding lawn mower, run over them a few times until the pieces are small enough to hide in between blades of grass.

I have more rules, but this is taking more effort than I thought. I'll update this later.. if I'm not too tired. Yaaawn

2006-04-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

i just wanted a fucking video game, not eternal damnation in hell.

so i was sitting around the other day, playing the kid-friendly game "grand theft auto: san andreas" with my kid tati, when suddenly i received an email with an attachment called "hot coffee mod." so i did what i always do when I get programs from strangers in my email: i ran it because im intelligent.

then i went back to playing the game and didn't notice anything different, except for when i took my in-game girlfriend back home, she now asks "how about a little coffee?" naturally I got excited, because i was expecting to see a scene with the hero, carl, and his girlfriend, denise, sipping a tall cup of coffee and discussing the finer points of globalization and how cultural distinction will fucking shape future generations. instead, i was shocked to learn that denise wasn't talking about a delicious beverage made from roasted beans, but what she was really talking about was gasp! SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!

i couldn't believe what i was seeing. i thought there was some mistake, this couldn't be the family-friendly carjacking game i thought i knew. maybe denise changed into an outfit that just happened to look like the bust of a naked woman. i watched the scene over and over again, carefully analyzing every pixel, but the conclusion was inescapable: denise was in fact nude. or at least had a skin colored texture applied to the surface area primitive of her character's model.

the creator of the game, rockstar games, has stated that it will offer a downloadable patch to fix the sex issue in the PC versions, and is working on a new version of the game that will prevent this content from being unlocked in the future.

thank god. i'll be the first person to download and patch my pc version of "grand theft auto." i want to shoot people in the face, bang prostitutes, traffic drugs, steal cars, and terrorize police officers without this filthy smut in my game. frankly, im appalled that rockstar would allow such wholesale corruption of our youth. years from now when the philippines has become a withered husk of the morality it once stood for, historians will look back at what triggered it all and point to one event: a boolean variable that unlocked a simulated sex scene in a video game.

2006-04-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

The movie Signs sucked ass bigtime.

Another crappy movie getting rave reviews. Unbelievable. The best thing about this movie was the score at the beginning during the credits, and only because the composer, James Newton Howard, ripped off Shostakovich's Chamber Symphony Op. 110a (check it out, Shostakovich's work is much cooler and often plagiarized in Hollywood; for more on plagiarized sound tracks, see the score to "Psycho").

This movie wouldn't have been so bad if it actually went somewhere. It was like a porno with no money shot. One of those slow motion soft-core Showtime specials that start out as being mediocre detective melodrama, but you keep watching any way because it's starring Shannon Tweed and you know there's going to be a shower scene but you know it's going to suck because some dude inevitably comes in and starts man handling her and the camera man does nothing but zoom up on his ass. That's exactly what "Signs" is like: the camera man zooming up on some guy's ass for two hours.

Save your morality. Don't see "Signs."

2006-04-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

Two missing characters from the Daredevil movie.

It almost pains me to do this because the Daredevil character kicks ass, but this movie is a turd; not a pile of shit like you might be thinking, but more along the lines of a two-flush corn log. One thing you should always be able to count on in a comic book movie is a bad guy who kicks ass. In this movie we get a character called "Bullseye." Guess what he has on his forehead? A bull's-eye. Guess what his special power is? He can throw darts and hit bull's-eyes. That's stupid. Why not have a character called "The Raging Hardon" where the character is a boner, or a heroine called "Salad Tosser" where she, um.. tosses salad. If you're going for stupid, why not go all out? This has seriously got to be the dumbest "bad guy" in a movie since the gimpy dude from Panic Room (that dog shit movie with the obnoxious bigender kid and her mom, played by Jodie Foster, where they spend the whole two-hour duration of the movie hiding from a limping cripple... ooh the suspense).

The main bad guy in the movie was Kingpin, played by Michael Clarke Duncan. Am I the only one who thinks this guy looks too friendly to be a bad guy? Every time he came near Daredevil in the movie, it looked like he was going to give him a sloppy kiss. These "minor" issues aside though, the movie mostly blows. They spent all of 3 minutes on Daredevil's background, 45 minutes on a stupid fight scene between Daredevil and some random chick who was introduced so abruptly that she might as well have landed in the scene with a parachute. Then there was a 20 minute bar scene where Daredevil fights another random guy who had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Next thing you know Daredevil and the random chick were humping, some guy gets killed and then the movie ends. BORING.

What they really need to do is make a movie about the greatest comic book character of all time: Lobo. Not many people are familiar with Lobo because most people are lame and can't comprehend how much ass Lobo kicks. For example, the cover on the right depicts Lobo (also known as "the main man") kicking Santa's ass. Santa did something to piss Lobo off (or nothing, it makes no difference), and Lobo RUINED HIS SHIT. Lobo is a mean son of a bitch and doesn't take shit from anyone. If they made a movie about Lobo, it would start out with Lobo just sitting around looking at porn and minding his own business when some lame-ass comes by and starts nerding all over the place. Lobo takes his knife out and disembowels the guy while he's just standing there. The guy would start screaming because he's a pussy, then Lobo would reach down and rip the guy's lungs out. The rest of the movie would be mostly filled with Lobo wiping out villages of people, yelling at hospital patients and head-butting mimes. Lobo could kick any superhero's ass and it's high time he had his own movie. Lobo versus Daredevil? Oh yeah, so back to Daredevil. The movie is loosely pieced together, there are no transitions and the bad guys suck. Avoid unless you're a comic book movie fan, and even then, only if you're a fat comic book movie fan to be on the safe side.

2006-04-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

Phrases that make my blood boil

Ever hear someone quote some hackneyed proverb or some stupid expression they read on a greeting card somewhere, which causes you to think: "man, what a stupid bitch, I would love nothing more than to bludgeon her head against the wall"? Sure, we all have. These are a collection of some of the phrases that piss me off most.

May or may not be:
Ever hear someone say "that may or may not be the case," as if there's some hidden third possibility that we weren't aware of? Thanks for pointing out the only two possibilities in the universe shit-cock. These are the worst kind of people to talk to because they try so hard to be open-minded that it sounds like the debate in a political science class where no opinion is too stupid for the professor to consider and the same fat kid keeps raising his hand to tell you his dumb ideas about free market capitalism as you fantasize about repeatedly stomping his face into a jar. I hate talking to open-minded people. They're the same kind of people who emphasize every other word when they type as if you can somehow hear their obnoxious cadence in your head, for example: "we didn't go to the store, but we DID buy a cake." Cool it Shatner, we don't read in the same voice you speak.

Well that's just your opinion:
This one pisses me off just thinking about it. If you slit my throat right now you'd get shot in the eye with boiling blood. Any time you say something sucks around someone who disagrees, they try to validate their taste in shitty music/movies/clothing by reminding you that you still only speak for yourself, as if their opinions are in jeopardy of being monopolized by your own. Everyone already knows it's my opinion by virtue of the fact that I said it, no need to restate the obvious you dopey twat.

It takes one to know one:
Ever call someone a whore only to be countered with the bullet-proof come back: "well it takes one to know one"? You're basically saying "yes, I spread my legs for money, as do you." Good job Ms. Rotten-crotch, you've rebuked nothing. What difference does it make if the person calling you a slut is one as well? You're still a skanky bitch who charges money for hand jobs--and why the hell are you charging for a hand job anyway? Unless all your clients are paralyzed, any prostitute caught charging someone for a hand job should be sued for extortion. That's another reason prostitution should be legal: you can't really sue a prostitute for extortion if prostitution is illegal now can you wise ass?

I'm a child at heart:
Yeah, you're a child at heart, just as soon as children start going to work every day to rot in a cubicle for a meager pay check so they can drink their troubles away in a shitty bar for the rest of their lives. Unless you're an astronaut, secret agent, vampire hunter, or all three, you're probably a sellout; screw you. Nobody wanted to be a regional director of sales or an investment banker when they were kids. On top of that, nobody thinks you're cute or funny by stating you're a "child at heart" on your stupid online profile that you created because you're a boring middle-aged loser with sagging tits and yellow nails who survives off greasy TV dinners every night as you contemplate the exact moment your life became such a miserable shit hole. But hey, don't take my word for it. After all, passing by "Cartoon Network" as you're flipping through channels technically makes you a "child at heart." Either that or the world's oldest virgin.

Sorry, but (also known as "No offense, but"):
Girls usually say this when they think they're being clever: "sorry, but you're a moron." It's a phrase derived from the expression people use when they're breaking some bad news to an old friend: "I'm sorry to say this, but the results are back and... you're an idiot." The only problem is, they never intend to say it with such eloquence, but rather, they use the phrase like it's a blunt object, hammering their square insult through your round psyche. If you think someone's an idiot, just come out and say it without these pussy apologies you dumb hag. Unless you're a character in a fighting game, have big boobs, and just won the round with a bitch slap, saying "sorry" just before you insult someone is obnoxious, cut the bullshit.

Strangers are just friends waiting to happen:
Yeah, either that or rape in a dark alley waiting to happen.

Hmmmmm / Uhhhhh:
Next time you ask someone a question, look for the trademark sign of an idiot: the "hmmmmm" noise they make while they're thinking. It's especially noticeable when you go to a restaurant and the waitress asks what you want to drink; there's always some fickle fingered asshole thumbing through the menu, sounding off like a moron with "uhhhhhh...." as if the waitress is just going to walk away without taking your order if you don't give her an audible cue that you are still breathing. These are the same type of people who repeat the question you ask them to buy time when they don't know the answer, hoping you won't notice that they're stalling. You don't need to make a sound while your five good neurons crank out the next malformed sentence from your cretaceous skull, numb nuts.

Some of the best things in life are free:
Yeah? Well so are some of the worst, and I don't see anyone throwing a party when they get cancer.

Less is more:
Except when it comes to money, fame, and power.

The grass is always greener on the other side:
If the grass is greener on the other side, then the guy with the greener grass doesn't think your grass is greener now does he, asshole? The message that this proverb is trying to stumble through is that everything always looks more attractive when you don't have it. I'm sure there are millionaires crying themselves to sleep every night because they don't live in a trailer park. Just face it: sometimes nobody envies you. There has to be a bottom and that bottom is probably you.

2006-04-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

these are the eleven worst songs of all time.

narrowing down the worst songs of all time to a mere eleven was possibly the hardest thing ive ever done. what, with lindsay lohan's aural holocaust, "speak," and celine dion's pretentious bullshit "miracle," and by the way, i didn't think it was possible for me to hate celine dion anymore than I already did until I saw the cover of her newest album and accompanying calendar for the modern "grrrl power" super-bitch who finds solace in dion's brash self-righteous smuggery. ack, i used some restraint and my uber brain and narrowed the list down to eleven. here they are:

1. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Vertigo

the only thing worse than u2 is a u2 fan. they think they're so hip now that u2 has their own ipod commercial. wow, you're on an ipod commercial? other than the shitty song (which I'll get to shortly), the u2 vertigo web commercial uses the same black silhouette style as every other ipod commercial with one exception: bono's face (the lead singer) is visible along with the rest of the band. every ipod commercial was the same until u2 came along and took a shit on convention.

as sanctimonious as u2 tries to be, the reason their faces are lit during the commercial isn't because they're larger-than-life rock stars, but rather, because they're not. when was the last time u2 had a hit? or a flop? or anything for that matter? their last major release was in 2000, an album which was so inconsequential that merely labeling it as such bumps it into a lesser category of sucktitude, but just barely, so eat shit. if their faces weren't lit up, nobody would know who they were except for the most diehard u2 fans, and nobody cares what they think.
as for the "vertigo" song itself, it's a mix of twangy guitars, unnecessary spanish, and bono's stupid glasses. by the way, just because a singer wears stupid goggles doesn't mean that they're suddenly cool or hip. oooh look! bono the rock star is wearing redneck nascar goggles, let's all fellate him for being so rebellious; take that hollywood! they're still the same goggles that dumbass nascar fans wear to every boring nascar "event." man i hate nascar. and while i'm at it, here's a quick open letter to the nascar community: quit writing poems about dale earnhardt, or whoever the fuck the driver is. nobody cares. and no, it wasn't nascar's fault for not making the tracks wide enough. nobody would watch nascar if it weren't for the wrecks because it's boring. you love the wrecks because it gives you people something to talk about in your boring lives; don't get all teary eyed when one of your redneck heroes bites it, you hypocritical turds. the wall won, get over it.

anyway, back to vertigo: this song sucks so much because of the unique tag-team trio of shitty music, the forced chic of ipod ads, and its stupid fan base. i looked around on some u2 message boards to see what the fans were saying about this song and its turgid lyrics, here's what fan member "bob" has to say:
vertigo actually has some seriously heavy lyric - but I bet most of mainstream radio listeners will never know what they mean - i love that! it makes me feel priviledged [sic] to know what the man has to say - there are so many invaluable messages in their albums, certainly this one will be another thought provoking and life influencing scripture.

here's a sample of the "seriously heavy lyrics" in vertigo:
woooaoo! woooaoo! woooaoo! woooaoo!

and who could forget this poignant verse:
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

yeah, real heavy lyrics, dipshit. when bono's not mumbling like an idiot, he's trying to be emotional by flailing his arms in the air like he's so overcome that he can't help but bellow out a limp-dick line like "i can feeeeeeeeeel." pussy. bitch.

there's a part in the song,I think just after the chorus is repeated for the 60th or 70th time, where Bono decides that his unrelentingly obnoxious lyrics aren't pissing you off enough, so he derails completely and starts mumbling even more incoherently "woooao woooao woooao." yeah, those are some "seriously heavy lyrics," dipshit. what could have bono ever meant by them?

maybe hidden within these mumblings is a coded message that gives the exact date and location of the second coming. or he was on heroin.

2. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Miracle Drug

coming in at #2 is "miracle drug" from the same album. when this album first came out, people wouldn't shut up about the hype that "u2 has made a triumphant return to its rock and roll roots." triumphant? what exactly has u2 "triumphed" over? the only thing triumphant about u2 is their uncanny ability to produce the same cookie cutter sound that's slowly crippling originality and innovation on airwaves around the world. congratulations jackasses, you've made fm radio unlistenable.

bono is 44. he's too old to "rock." i know people have been saying the same thing about rolling stones for years now, and every time the rolling stones go on tour, they prove their critics right. give it a rest already. i don't even blame u2 for this, it's you stupid fans. maybe they'll stop annoying us with obnoxious commercials if you morons would stop lapping this shit up like anti-freeze at a petting zoo.

yet another fan on a message board had this to say about "miracle drug:"

i think that Bono turns pop culture upside down with the line "i've had enough of romantic love."
wow, how profound. look out pop-culture! bono has had enough of "romantic love." here comes bono and his fucking idiotic fans to make ambiguous jabs at you.

3. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

zzzzzzzz.... yawn. so let me get this straight: u2's "triumphant return to its rock and roll roots" includes a teary song about his dad's struggle with cancer? rock on you idiot frauds.

4. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Love And Peace Or Else

if there was a list of things a pacifist should never say, "or else" would probably top it. everything about this song is stupid. love and peace or else? or else what, you fucking pussies? what are you going to do about it? sing another crybaby song for your crybaby fans? tough shit bitches, war kicks ass.

can't you hippies just piss off and surrender somewhere quietly for once without singing a song about it?

5. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - City of Blinding Lights

new age mystic bullshit.

6. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - All Because Of You

this is the one song on the album that u2's arrogant fans can't come to a consensus about. some believe it's a song about life, some death, and others god. one thing i think everyone can agree on is: nobody cares.

7. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - A Man And A Woman

great song, if you ignore the ho-hum music and the fact that "romance" doesn't rhyme with "distance." this song exemplifies the reason i hate songs with lyrics. listen you dolts: if a song has a "message," then it probably doesn't matter because more often than not, song writers compromise their message for the sake of making a song that sounds good, or they compromise the music for the sake of pushing their shallow agenda. maybe u2 wouldn't suck so hard if they stopped preaching and started rocking instead. of course, that's difficult to do with pantera holding a near monopoly on all things that rock.

8. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Crumbs From Your Table

this song is about how america and its wealthiest people don't do enough to help solve world hunger. the title suggests that crumbs from our table could help starving people in africa. bono indicts america for being hypocritical with these lines:

would you deny for others
what you demand for yourself?

bono could not be reached for comment as he was stepping off his private jet and into his limousine.

9. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - One Step Closer

this sounds like the soundtrack of a coma.

10. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Original Of The Species

this song was supposedly written about the daughter of guitarist "the edge." Yeah, that's his nickname: the edge. I used to think names like "the edge" or "spike" were cool, but then I turned 12.

the only way I could ever respect him is if he shouted some stupid catch phrase before every concert like "WATCH OUT! THE EDGE WILL CUT YOU!" that might almost be stupid enough to be cool again with the dumbass hipster crowd, until the next stupid trend shows up at hot topic for you to oversaturate and ruin.

11. How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb - U2 - Yahweh

this quote epitomizes u2's pious, holier-than-thou attitude:

"i don't know why, but we always had this belief that there was something sacred about our music, that it was almost holy."
-bono, pompous asshole and lead singer of u2

cocky, high-handed, imperial assholes.

that wraps up the list of the top 11 worst songs of 2004. i wanted to list a few honorable mentions, such as "maroon 5" and their crappy synthesized vocals, but i don't have the time or the patience to listen to any more of this garbage. piss off motherfuckers.

2006-04-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

5 things that sucked about Lord of the Rings

1. It didn't have Lo Pan in it. That's right. I'm talking about the perpetuator of ass kicking himself, Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China: one of the best movies ever made. Lo Pan, for those of you who are adept at depriving yourselves of things that rule, is an evil war lord cursed to roam the world in spirit form. Basically he runs around stomping people's holes who piss him off (which happens to be everyone). Lo Pan doesn't take shit from anyone; exactly the kind of character Lord of the Rings needed. If I directed the movie, I'd have casted Lo Pan as the lead, instead of that pussy Frodo. With Lo Pan in the movie, it would have been about 5 minutes long: first scene would have been Lo Pan ruining everyone's shit, killing all the babies and then spiking midgets off the ground. Oh man.

2. Not enough lesbians. In fact, there weren't any. So I paid 100 pesos to see a movie with really high acclaim and great reviews; surely it was reasonable to assume that a movie of such supposedly high caliber must have lesbians in it. Expecting a solid two hours of lesbian mud wrestling, I was rendered impotent by chunky midgets with hairy feet instead. What the hell? I'm not the only one who feels the lack of lesbians hurt the movie overall. In fact, I overheard a lady behind me whispering to her boyfriend "no lesbians? this is bullshit!" I want my 8 hours of my life back. Which leads me to my next point...

3. The movie was actually longer than the book (go figure). In the time it took to watch this movie, I could have read the book, filed my tax return, proved the Riemann Zeta hypothesis and still had time to write a page about how boring the movie was. This is a picture of me during the movie that my friend took; this movie was so boring that I turned into a middle-aged black woman when I fell asleep. Damn. It seems like every time some long-ass boring movie comes out, everyone gives it rave reviews (except for that dog shit Water World, not that I've seen it asshole). If this movie was any longer, it might have even been a contender for the longest movie ever made: Brave Heart. I have the attention span of a Fox News reporter when it comes to watching movies, and I was bored to tears near the end, and at the beginning... and during the middle part.

4. The king of Fairies was accidentally miscast as the king of men. King of men my ass. This chump change was pissing me off left and right during the movie. "I'm afraid of the temptation.. I'm afraid... boo hoo, I'm a sissy boy, don't give me the ring, I might start wetting the bed again." What a pussy. If there was an Ogre about to kick my ass, which is impossible to imagine because I'm so tough that I can rip a phone book in half with my eye lids, I wouldn't let this nancy defend me. "Piss off Fairy King, I'd rather die."

5. It didn't have the Gandalf pimping scene in it. Am I the only one who noticed that the entire Gandalf pimping scene was missing from the movie? I'm talking about the scene in which Gandalf happens across a magic crate full of enchanted pimp armor. The armor renders the wearer into a super-suave womanizing sex machine. After Gandalf discovers the magic garments, he journeys to the land of the golden shower on a pilgrimage of self-discovery to unleash the true power of his staff. During his quest, he's accompanied by his friend from the east side, Cop Killa. Together they bring down the law and clean house on an illegal pimping monopoly which dominates the market of fine Hobbit bitches in Hobbitville.